when you literally feel your heart shattering to pieces and your body goes numb from the pain.
So.. I took a Leave Of Absence. I just had to prioritize my health over my studies. At first, I was happy and content with what I did but eventually, reality struck and slapped me in the face. I’m never going to be happy. My life is so messed up I can’t even think of ways on how to fix it.
Who wouldn’t feel depressed if one night the image of your happy family gets destroyed. I can’t put into words how heartbreaking it was to hear my parents fight (over something that was really really painful for a child to hear). While they were arguing, I wasn’t able to breathe and my head started to hurt. This worsened when my mom started to cry. I couldn’t bare the fact that she was hurting and she felt unappreciated. At some point I stopped crying and i tried to force myself to accept it… That this family isn’t as happy as i thought it was. But I couldn’t handle it. It was too much.
After 1 hour I finally stopped crying and went back into the room. I saw my mom’s face…It was heartbreaking. Her eyes were swollen and whenever she breathed, I could hear her deep (and shaky) sighs. I couldn’t stop myself from crying.
That was the worst night of my life.
Trials like these make me question my self worth. Makes me think that I’m the root of their problems. I wish I could just disappear. Or wish that I was never born at all. Life is a gift. It’s great and wonderful…but it’s a gift that comes with a very great deal of heartbreak.
So.. Its been 31 hrs since I returned to this torture. I can’t believe that my 3day worth of davao isn’t enough to fill my yearning of home.
I don’t think my friends get it. I don’t think anyone understands what I’ve been going through right now. I’m sick. Not just physically but both mentally and spiritually. Whenever my roommates go out and I’m left alone in the room, I sit quietly on my chair beside the window and start crying for the things I did and for the things I think I don’t have the capability of doing. It pains me to see my mom suffering while taking care of me. I hate seeing the people I love suffer because of me. I hate seeing my to-do list get longer and longer as days go by. I hate cancelling my commitments. I hate being a coward for not going beyond what is reachable. I hate being so insensitive yet surprisingly oa at the same time. I hate being so insecure about my weight and intelligence. I hate questioning everything that’s laid out in the world. I hate the way I write. I hate how I read so slow and understand nothing at all from the reading. I hate how dependent I am to everyone around me. I hate being so weak in front of my friends. I hate that I hate myself.
Ayanna. Jay Anne. Ryco. Zaila. + Matt HAHA (not a girl but whatever it’s my blog bitches)
Undoubtedly the Xavier girls I can’t imagine living without. (well of course there’s Mally, Aina, George, Ariana, Van, Leng, Sypth, Louie, Emma, Sam, Mina, Kariz, Kim, Nowie, Coreen etc but these four girls definitely stand out)
Ayanna Denise Sumaylo Lariosa
At first glance you’d be surprised by how amazingly curly her hair is and how striking her face could be. This girl has a strong personality yet behind that “tough” aura she possesses, this girl has a soft heart. Her loyalty to her friends is unbreakable. She might have a harsh tongue sometimes and is quite stubborn but being close to her was so easy. Her appeal to people was magical. She could make people laugh just by her laughter. Her jokes were witty and she had this funny way of showing how she liked you by torturing you. Sometimes she overdid it but usually people let it go. She’s the type of person you can’t stay mad at. She’s the type of person that no matter how long you’ve never seen each other, you know you’ll still be close till the day you guys meet again.
Jay Anne Ria Bacayo
This girl is one of the most determined, responsible and intelligent people I know on earth. Despite being so amazingly smart, her biggest weakness is her insecurities and her fear of failure and rejection. I know she might think that this isn’t true but I see it that way. She fails to realize that she’s one of those people who are on top. She lacks confidence to face her fears. Despite of all this, she still manages to stay humble and that’s what I love about her. I cherish our friendship because I know this kind of friendship will last. To be honest, she’s the most trusted friend I have. She’s the type of friend that can SURELY keep a secret. I can tell her all of my problems because I know she’s willing to listen and give me her insights.
Ryco Sheen Cesar Mirafuentes
The friend I’m afraid to disappoint and lose. It’s been 5 or 6 years since I met this girl and she still manages to still be the same. That bubbly and optimistic girl who never fails to cheer me up. Whenever I do something wrong her bluntness never fails to slap me in the face and help me undo the wrong things I’ve done. I don’t hate this part of her. I know I need it. I know I need her. I can’t imagine college without her. I’m already so used to having her as my refuge whenever I screw things up. but I know she’s just a phone call away and I know this because she’s a true friend. A friend that I couldn’t afford to lose.
Zaila Joy Supnet Macadangdang
My unexpected friend. I never did once imagine being close to this girl. She had so much energy and happiness that hindered me from getting through to her. Yet during our third year, the time we had spent bonding with each other made me realize that this girl is as vulnerable as me. She had been burdened by problems of the past and challenges being thrown at her. She had her up’s and down’s too. We basically think so alike. Being with her is just so easy. When we’re sad, we both feel depressed. When were happy, oh wait, when we’re ecstatic, we’re ecstatic. I love how connected we are when it comes to people and our friendship has one rule: NO FIGHTING, NO DRAMA and that’s the best thing about our friendship. Sometimes I even feel like she’s my lost sister or something (hahaha but it’s very impossible cause she looks too asian)
I can’t put into words how thankful I am for meeting someone like Matt. To be honest, he’s the best guy I’ve ever known (aside from my dad and brothers). He is the best guy friend one could ever wish for. When you have problems, he listens. I cling to him whenever I need advice. I can’t imagine college life without him. He’s apparently everyone’s best friend-love guru whatever. I love our friendship. I can’t say were super tight but I like his company. I like talking to him for hours. He lets me unload my problems to him and he doesn’t even complain. No matter how stupid I sound he still manages to make me feel like he understands. I just wish he’d be happier and let loose. Seeing him happy would mean a lot to me.
IF EVER THIS GETS SEEN BY ONE OF MY FRIEND WHO AREN’T ON THIS POST I’M SO SORRY. I LOVE YOU PERO PLEASE FRIENDSHIP APPRECIATION POST ITO FOR THEM. walang selos selos :))
Wow, summer went by so fast. It’s already May 23 and there’s only 10 days left for me here in Davao (well not for good but you guys know what i mean) . Well, my mom’s not taking it easy, obviously. She keeps on telling me that I can still back out, stay here in Davao and take accountancy. Seriously? after all the tears I’ve shed just to study in ADMU? No way mom. But sometimes I can’t deny the fact that there’s a part of me that wants to stay. People say my mom has SA or separation anxiety. Yeah it’s true, it’s normal because she’s a mom but i bet my separation anxiety would be worse. I just keep on telling myself that I can do it. No matter what, I MUST CONTINUE. In order to be better, I must face challenges that will surely beat the crap out of me. Hell yes I’m putting my health to risk again but I’m up for the challenge. I’m determined to be a lawyer. People may doubt my skills and they may say I’m not good enough but you guys wait and see. This skinny, sickly and stubborn girl will prevail. 4 years from now I will definitely graduate and proceed to law school. I won’t fail my parents nor will I fail myself.
Thanks for making my High School life challenging and fun guys :D
You know what sucks about being overjoyed? Knowing that feeling of happiness wont last. Every SINGLE day the feeling of emptiness spreads through my whole body and it touches my heart, making me feel… absolutely worthless equivalent to nothing.
Envy will kill me.
My insecurities will kill me.
My constant struggle to be better will just be a never ending cycle of try-fail-try again.
For now, I must show other people that I’m not worthless and that I’m happy. But deep inside, I’m crumbling. Can’t anyone see I’m falling apart? Maybe I’m doing to good. I don’t even know what and how to feel. I keep on losing.
But i hope God will never give up on me. I know he wont. I just do..