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I can’t explain how emotionally exhausted I am right now. For the whole month of April, I have become this emotionally unstable girl ready to explode at any moment. I can’t figure out why this is all happening to me. I’m pretty confused on what to do. First, I can’t get my body to be healthy. Second, my parents are so busy I think they’re not sending me to college anymore. Are they even aware that time is running out and I’ve already cried about this issue for several times already. Third, there’s this boy (Ugh, I can’t believe I’m having boyproblems). 

1. Health 

You know what sucks? Having to wake up each day with cramps all over your legs and arms. Not being allowed to eat pork, beef and some parts of the chicken. I’m not advised to use any condiments. I’m trying my best to be healthy but I really can’t control my thyroid or my kidney. Ugh, how I wish there were a restart button of my life. Things would’ve been easier and I wouldn’t make the stupid mistakes I have dumbly committed But at the same time a restart button wouldn’t actually help me though. Experiences I have gained through my health problems are priceless. Yes, maybe I have cried over a million times because of it but hey, lets face it. I woke up one day, determined to be healthy thus making me become stronger in so many  ways. 

2. Parents

Yes, I should cut them some slack. But hey, c’mon. Is it really so hard to decide? I know they’re REALLY BUSY but I’m their daughter! Shouldn’t they prioritize me over some election? Why are they willing to spend so much on the elections over my education? I know this sounds so selfish but I have been wrecked and torn to pieces because of all this anticipation. I try to lock my feelings in a box whenever people on twitter, my friends and other acquaintances talk about college. Some don’t even have to work hard just to prove to their parents that they deserve a better education. Some of my friends just needed to pass the entrance test so that they could go on and reach their dreams. But for me, I had to break my bones just so I could excel at school so that my parents would even consider sending me to admu. 

3. This boy

I know its been an up and down down down route for us and I honestly don’t believe it’s ever going to work for the both of us. How can he talk to me about how cold I am or how “flirty” I am. He also judges my friends and my taste of music. Also, how dare he point out all of my weaknesses and make me feel like I’m less of a person? Ugh, what a douche. Can’t he see that he’s worse than me? He thinks he’s so much better than me but In fact, he’s the more “flirty” one. There’s a fine line between being flirty and friendly and i truly believe he has crossed the freaking line. I know what I did was an invasion of privacy, but that’s what he gets for reading my tweets. How can he get pissed when I talk to other boys? When he, on the other hand, has more “girl” friends than “boy” friends? Don’t get me wrong, but before, I seriously didn’t give a fuck if he had 5 million girls hanging around him but how can he judge me for being close to other guys? Is he fucking serious? I know everyone is on his side. Everyone thinks I’m this “cold-hearted” girl because he said so. But he should thank God that I only tell my close friends what I’ve been going through. I never should of given him another chance. I never should of liked him. I hated him in the first place, I don’t think it would be hard forgetting about him. I know it’s harsh, but I just can’t stand him anymore. 

This is too much. My summer is ruined. I have become too vulnerable, too weak to face these challenges. Is it weird that after experiencing so much I still haven’t told him about my hatred? Well I hope someday I’ll have the guts to express myself more. 

Thanks for making my High School life challenging and fun guys :D

You know what sucks about being overjoyed? Knowing that feeling of happiness wont last. Every SINGLE day the feeling of emptiness spreads through my whole body and it touches my heart, making me feel… absolutely worthless equivalent to nothing.

Envy will kill me.

My insecurities will kill me.

My constant struggle to be better will just be a never ending cycle of try-fail-try again.

For now, I must show other people that I’m not worthless and that I’m happy. But deep inside, I’m crumbling. Can’t anyone see I’m falling apart? Maybe I’m doing to good. I don’t even know what and how to feel. I keep on losing. 

But i hope God will never give up on me. I know he wont. I just do..